Previously approved wedding plan revoked by family
2003-05-18 03:25:34 | إسلام ويب
السؤال:
I am a young woman of an Arab family living in the US. My family is very religious; my brothers are from Ahl-la Sunnah Jamma and are mashayekh here and give opinions and fatawa. For years they planned for me to have a husband like them or more so. Whoever came for me didn’t meet their standards, and were refused. About two months ago, a young man came who approached my brothers’ standards and we began to talk and to know each other. We began to plan for our future and ways to help one another in Islam, to memorize Qur’an, etc. We were progressing well and we set a date for our marriage contract. Since then many people started talking about us and how hard we will have getting along because I am from the East, Sham, (Syria) and he is from the West, Magrib (Morocco). That really affected my family’s opinion and aroused their fears because they plan to return to our homeland in a month. In the beginning they knew after I married my husband and I would stay here for 3 years until he got his degree. That didn’t bother my family that much, but now that nagging has started they decided that I couldn’t stay here. They asked for my opinion but stated that no matter what I decided they were not happy with this marriage. I told them to do whatever they wanted. Several days before the marriage contract was to be made, they told my fiancee that we could not complete this marriage. It has been a month now since we broke up, but I cannot just forget him or not think of him every day. He wasn’t my first try and he wasn’t the first man I ever talked to and I am really ashamed to say that, but I believe Allah has granted me the right path. I don’t know what to do. I feel I shouldn’t agree to leave him in the first place, and I still have a month before I move. Please, I need help. I prayed Istikara and felt so comfortable with him and he did the same. My biggest problem is I cannot talk to anyone in the family about this. I was in bad shape during the first week, and now they think that I feel better or I forgot, but indeed, I cry whenever I am alone. I am becoming more attached to him although I haven’t talked to him since then. Please help me and tell me if there is any way to get him back.
الإجابــة:
Dear Sister,
May Allah ease the suffering of the brokenhearted of the believers, and heal every hurt of those who love and serve Him!
From your letter we see many blessings from Allah upon you that perhaps in your suffering now you may not fully appreciate. Let’s look at them together. First, you are living in a non-Muslim country (USA) when Muslims there are facing many dangers. Yet Allah has blessed you with the protection and council of a righteous, pious family. To be so blessed while living in the US, particularly at this time, is indeed a great mercy from Allah. Treasure it and praise Allah for His bounty to you.
Second, your family wants the best for you. Look at the care and concern they have shown to help you find a husband of outstanding character and piety, not just someone who may be a suitable candidate.
Third, setting a date to settle the marriage contract is also a wise decision since it gives all parties time to reflect upon the seriousness of the bond of marriage, the qualities of the husband and wife-to-be, and the consequences of their union... Many factors, social and cultural differences, life goals, etc. need to be examined.
The Muslim family weighs all these matters in light of the welfare of the couple in addition to their tender feelings for each other. Hurts and disappointments can be overcome more easily than unwise decisions that result in harms that may last for a lifetime.
Fourth, your family is leaving non-Muslim America to return to a country of believers, Al-Hamdullilah, and want to take you with them. They care for you and your safety, fearing to leave you there without their protection and so distant from their consultation should you need it.
As for the loss of your intended husband, there may be wisdom to letting him go at this time which you cannot know. For example, cultural and social differences, while unimportant in Islam, can be exceptionally stressful in married life when families resent those differences. When you return to your homeland, certainly you will be able to find a husband suitable to you and your family, insha Allah. Peace, harmony, and mutual support are vital for Muslim society.
A strong family is the foundation of the Ummah, where children are raised and all members strive to observe and respect the rights of each other. This strong unit provides protection for its members as well as the environment for teaching Islam and its practices and the perpetuation of Islamic culture. For this noble cause we are all expected to make certain sacrifices.
You may also find solace by letting your brothers and family know that you appreciate their deep concern for you, your future, and above all your choice of a husband. Let them know that you value their advice and want them to be pleased with your choice as well. Your drawing close to them at this time with sincere affection may help you resolve the present crisis and ease your feeling of loss.
We thank Allah for His inspiration and His admonition. We pray that He will draw us closer to Him.
Dear Sister,
May Allah ease the suffering of the brokenhearted of the believers, and heal every hurt of those who love and serve Him!
From your letter we see many blessings from Allah upon you that perhaps in your suffering now you may not fully appreciate. Let’s look at them together. First, you are living in a non-Muslim country (USA) when Muslims there are facing many dangers. Yet Allah has blessed you with the protection and council of a righteous, pious family. To be so blessed while living in the US, particularly at this time, is indeed a great mercy from Allah. Treasure it and praise Allah for His bounty to you.
Second, your family wants the best for you. Look at the care and concern they have shown to help you find a husband of outstanding character and piety, not just someone who may be a suitable candidate.
Third, setting a date to settle the marriage contract is also a wise decision since it gives all parties time to reflect upon the seriousness of the bond of marriage, the qualities of the husband and wife-to-be, and the consequences of their union... Many factors, social and cultural differences, life goals, etc. need to be examined.
The Muslim family weighs all these matters in light of the welfare of the couple in addition to their tender feelings for each other. Hurts and disappointments can be overcome more easily than unwise decisions that result in harms that may last for a lifetime.
Fourth, your family is leaving non-Muslim America to return to a country of believers, Al-Hamdullilah, and want to take you with them. They care for you and your safety, fearing to leave you there without their protection and so distant from their consultation should you need it.
As for the loss of your intended husband, there may be wisdom to letting him go at this time which you cannot know. For example, cultural and social differences, while unimportant in Islam, can be exceptionally stressful in married life when families resent those differences. When you return to your homeland, certainly you will be able to find a husband suitable to you and your family, insha Allah. Peace, harmony, and mutual support are vital for Muslim society.
A strong family is the foundation of the Ummah, where children are raised and all members strive to observe and respect the rights of each other. This strong unit provides protection for its members as well as the environment for teaching Islam and its practices and the perpetuation of Islamic culture. For this noble cause we are all expected to make certain sacrifices.
You may also find solace by letting your brothers and family know that you appreciate their deep concern for you, your future, and above all your choice of a husband. Let them know that you value their advice and want them to be pleased with your choice as well. Your drawing close to them at this time with sincere affection may help you resolve the present crisis and ease your feeling of loss.
We thank Allah for His inspiration and His admonition. We pray that He will draw us closer to Him.
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